You really don't leave us with much to comment on when you say you don't want reviews about punctuation or grammar. You're kind of cheating your readers out of giving you an honest review. Grammar and punctuation can make a difference between a good read and a bad one. But anyway, for one, I don't like the format you've set this up as. If this were prose, it would be fine, but if you are using this in a novel, it doesn't work. You need to make this one or more cohesive paragraphs. _It coursed...

Your writing style seems fine to me. There aren't any issues that stand out as far as I can see. I would tell you to be careful; however, on how often you use words like "the" within a single sentence. You've done that in several beginning paragraphs. Watch for that because it can make a reader stumble. Also, the story in itself seems to run on too many cliches within the fantasy genre: the names of places such as "Dragon's Teeth", "War of Breaking" (reminds me of The Breaking of the World in...

[i]I stepped out onto the balcony to a world that I knew yet didn't know[/i] This sentence sounds better when it reads: "I stepped out onto the balcony to a world that I knew AND yet DIDN'T." Is the sky crimson or is it pink? The colors are vastly different and your second description of the sky contradicts the first. [i]“You are safe.” It said in soft whispers.[/i] The punctuation here is wrong. There should be a comma after "safe" and "it" should be lowecase, because this is considered all ...

Overall, the dialogue between your characters is very engaging and it seems real. I do have a major issue with the point of view within this section. As an objective reader, I had a difficult time discerning one major viewpoint. If your main character is Rachel, if she is the protagonist of this story, I would love to see the story happening through her eyes. Using point of view in this way would help add to the realism of the story and would aid your readers in gaining sympathy for your char...

This piece is very suspenseful. I am guessing the speaker was shot anyway, just from the title of your work. I am normally not fond of the type present tense that you used throughout the piece, because it is so often very odd and difficult to read, but for this particular type of work, it is fitting. Great work. I think this would indeed make a good novel. Good job and good luck with your work.

The premise of your story is interesting. When or if you decide to post subsequent chapters of this work, I'd love to read them and see how the myth of Pandora is inlayed throughout (if you decided to do that at all). I see a few problems that can be easily fixed: "When a defecting Ares scientist offers him the opportunity to help put Ares out of business," First of all, what do you mean by "defecting scientist"? Secondly, omit the second time you used the name Ares and instead write, "...off...

Honestly, I wasn't crazy about this piece. It was difficult to read because of the sentence structure within. For example: Your opening sentence is jarring. "It was only the light of dawn, saffron and rose, showing through her window, not fire in the night sky." Your readers get the fact that it's dawn, so we don't need the last fragment about the night sky. Rework this sentence so that it's smooth and rolls right off the tongue. You could do something like this: "The light of dawn shone thro...

Again, I honestly am not crazy about this piece. As I said in my review to your first chapter, it has to do with your sentence structure, punctuation, and point of view. You're the one telling the story. Your readers are getting a story told to them by the author about something that happened to someone else. We want to see and experience the story from your character's point of view, not yours. It's not "your" story, it's Jasmine's. Do you understand what I'm saying? If not, go back and read...

You have a great start to a promising story. I wanted to read more from the get-go. I noticed a few immediate errors: In the third sentence, instead of "chattering hooves" it should be "clattering hooves". This sentence could be better: "As he rode into the shadows the wall cast, he saw the boats which were tied to the quay at the opposite side of the lake." I was thinking something more along the lines of: As he rode through the shadows cast by the wall, he noticed the boats tied to the quay...