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Cutthroat_Lola's profile
AGE:
21
LOC: Burnsville, MN
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 02
LOC: Burnsville, MN
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 02
currently in between majors after thinking i may have found my calling. Somewhere between Creative Writing and Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages.
I’m almost done with my first year at University blah blah blah.
i like writing, drawing, photography, sports, history, language…yeah…I’m pretty much a renassaince girl which my advisor scolds me for since i take a bunch of odd classes. :/ oh well. If all else fails i plan to win Jeopardy. _
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Version 1
2 Reviews
1 Comment
Night time in Tortuga was like the Araby from hell multiplied seven fold and drunk as fuck. The crew had long since wandered off aimlessly in little groups to get inebriated. Dannen was tempted to follow along with Valia and Slane, the only ones that seemed to like him, but they disappeared into a motel and he didn’t think he wanted to know what they were up to. Making a face, he glanced around and spotted Mouse peering into a shop window filled with gadgets of all shapes, sizes, colours, and...
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Version 1
16 Reviews
2 Comments
Dannen O’Daire was never one for pleasantries, especially when he was forced to make nice with those in a position of authority. Haughty, lofty, tea-drinkin’ wankers if you asked him. They looked down their long snooty noses and talked with a accent of condescendence, especially around people they thought distinctly less of, especially him. Though he supposed they kind o’ had a reason to think they were better than him. They weren’t the ones with a noose around their necks and so he allowed ...
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very creepy...this feels like a start to something very dark. “When did my hands become so old? The skin looks like paper. If I rubbed them together they would tear.” --I think this sentence should be looked at, instead of 'the' skin, maybe 'my' skin. and when you put the note about the skin inbetween the notes about her hands, the idea gets lost. Also, she seems to be too certain about her hands tearing, in such a piece i feel uncertainity is a big theme so showing her uncertainity in small ...
"and because of that"..."To do that, all " the sentence structure of these two parts are too similiar to be placed next to each other it kind of breaks the flow of the paragraph. I would suggest playing around a bit more with sentence and paragraph formation for added drama, like after you say Voila! have the next line just be "access granted." anyways, i think it's a great start, it does just enough foreshadowing without being too blatant about it.
I love the rhthym to this, it's got a fantastic beat and flow. this seems to be a poem that needs to be read aloud to be truly appreciated which i think is pretty cool. The only thing i can think of that could be changed in any is that sometimes it feels like you're using the word sistas too often. like here: "My sistas. Intelligent, thoughtful, insightful, wise, sistas…" the 'sistas' at the end of this line seems a bit out of place, like a last minute thought tagged onto the end.
The idea behind this is fantastic, and I do love the stream of consciousness you have going here. And while i know it's supposed to be that way, sometimes it feels like the run ons go on to far. like: "...and watch the residents playing chess and checkers and cards and with the remote and catch the eyes of the lady in the corner..." The idea gets confused a bit inside of there, I had to read it twice before i realized what was going on. When you switch from them playing with things people nor...
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