Ok there are some things about this that I like. The voice of the girl is good, she's flighty, irresponsible and self-absorbed, pretty much normal teenager. The plot is starting out strong, but I think you may want to slow the pacing some. It tends to go straight into overdrive and doesn't slow down. At this point I think you can afford to slow down some. Build the world some more. And you need description. These would help greatly in setting the mood of the story. I don't know whether your g...

Ok there are some things I really like about this piece. You have an interesting world that is different enough from the regular conventions of fantasy that it will work. The characters are interesting for the most part, and the dialogue is strong. The writing could use a little polish, but I'm not going to waste your credits on that. However all that said I think you need to stay consistent with your POV. I wouldn't advise going for 3rd person omniscent. It's a little too all knowing... but ...

This is good. I don't have much to say about it either way. The voice is solid and in genre. The characterizations are good, probably my only issue with the first part is what does Mary do for a living. And my only issue with this second part is what is the angel singing? I'm assuming he's finishing the song. On a side note, you may want to add a little more narrative. And/or a bit more backstory. The pacing does seem to be a bit quick throughout the chapter. I think it's fine, and it's a per...

Honestly I'm having a hard time finding things I don't like about this piece. Your characterizations are on, dialogue is on and the plot is solid. The only suggestion I might make would be to trim the ligers bit a little. At first it starts off strong, but then it kind of starts to drag after a bit. I think you could do without some of it. But that is only a suggestion, other than that it's a good section. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to ask.

Just some opening thoughts before I start nitpicking. The way the story is broken up is really interesting, but it confuses me a little bit since you jump time frames. I found myself having to go back and re-read a few times to catch what was going on. That said the characterizations and the descriptions are excellent. I did get a real sense of who the characters were and what the history was without having to fill in pages of backstory. Ok onto some of the nitpicky stuff. (Her words carried...

Overall I like how this first chapter plays out. The descriptions are done well, the story doesn't lose it's voice or change POV. In fact all together it's a good piece. The only thing I would caution you about (and the reason I gave this piece an 8 instead of a 9) is the use of super human protagonists. This is an easy trap to fall into, and I can see the story heading that way. Remember good epic fantasy has a great world, good characters and a strong plot. Great epic fantasy has all of tho...

There is a lot going on with this piece that I like. You definitely have an interesting character here, and an interesting writing style. However that said you have a whole lot of lead up for just one conversation. I found myself skipping ahead to try to get through the jumbled thoughts of the main character. I would consider trimming it back so you can get at the meat of the story (the fact that he is obsessing about this girl who is going to ask him for Bob's phone number). On a more nitpic...

Ok... I like the story, but I'm not too sure about the frame of it. It tends to smack a little too much of telling without showing. I understand you have a narrator type voice going on here, but I think it would work just as well without it, or with something more along the line of: The story starts in a bar called Character's. It is the type of place where your shoes make cracking noises as you lift them off the floor. The beer costs more than the store, but less than the gas station. Or at ...

There is a lot I like about the language of this piece. When they work your abstract language is beautiful However like you said it is a bit too dense and obscure in a lot of places. The biggest places that stand out to me are the first two paragraphs which honestly almost stopped me from reading this. The second is right after you mention the fifth season. The character is well developed and some of your descriptions work, but you have a tendency toward the abstract colorful language, which ...

Hrm... not sure what you mean by positive feedback. I think there are some things you do well, such as description and characterization. However that said you may want to cut the scene with the two harbors. It's a little overdone. Honestly I think the weepy bit seems out of character. If he is a hard-nosed, go get um kind of guy wouldn't he make an action plan or be more proactive to try to help the marriage. I've met a lot of salesmen (and women) like that. Anyways any questions or comments ...