"bark and herbs all hung" - remove "all" "Limes and fruits" - familiar limes undercuts "never seen before." Perhaps the unknown first, "next to familiar limes"? "lashes blinked the effect on and off" - beautiful image, but I don't see streetlights as blinking; maybe neon? "fat Indian woman" - _him_ is unclear; this sentence needs clarification. "After chewing and nodding" - makes it sound like the jars do this. "He supposed the whole thing." - confusing, made it seem like the sex was all in h...

General: makings of a fine adventure story, reminded me of Dr. Who and the Tardis, and that's good. Little banter was very welcome. Made some specific remarks below. In general, though, the writing felt very static, very lifeless, very much like a report. For such a variety of characters, I had no sense of what they each thought of their adventure, let alone what the temple city might have reminded them of. Only Mac's discomfort of the jungle stood out. Even just a couple of metaphors or simi...

I want more, which I guess was the point. You've put in some nice descriptions, but not of the mother. It began quite real, but I have problems with the dream tone, especially starting with "awkward noise after 20 minutes of silence" - in the dream? Once the dream action begins, so does the sense of Shay's quest, and when he wakes, I have a sense of where this story will go. Writing: two main things. Watch the adverbs (passively, tightly, firmly.) There were so few of them that they stood out...

Not really a novel treatment; couldn't give you that. Very well-written, with a few things that jarred. _back, one by one._ I liked this separated out, like children returning home as incomplete adults. _We am still a child._ This faulty grammar was too much. Even _We are still a child_ I could have swallowed. _And my nostrils cry, they sting._ I think of a runny nose with _cry_. _Tiny schools they were. They were almost microscopic._ Why not run these together? The construction comes out of ...

I didn't like it. Didn't care for the way you used the present tense while constantly going into flashbacks and crowding the action with footnotes and backstory about why Katherine left England, the fact that she was a doctor, the society and politics of the building, and other (past) events. If in present tense, remain present unless present objects/people/etc prompt present memories. Reminiscences that are here seem to come out of nowhere (other than the author's transparent need to share i...

I loved it. Nothing jarred my attention. Everything you brought up you followed through on. So: concrit? _wanting to get settled_ - this struck me as a little weak; in the opening, something stronger. No suggestions. _cursory glance_ - cliche? Something unexpected maybe. Maybe it's her first time away from home. Maybe she doesn't know any strapping Kansas farmboys... _He rose slowly_ - adverb, again can be stronger. And in his answer, he seemed to be almost repeating Marcia but with more word...

I liked much of this chapter, but found the writing holding it back. Good interaction between the sisters, not so good with the parents. Nice level in Addie's warning about college, good sense of Charlotte being between two things. _She was met with a wave of camp smells_ - Careful using this "she was met" construction, which weakens the wave of camp smells. _It was Addie. Her sister was using her don’t-use-all-the-hot-water voice_ - could be combined to avoid the "sister was using." Also, yo...

This piece seems to lack a sense of perspective. Time, distance. Standing at an open casket or remembering the loss later? The questions are for an absentee father, not a dead one. "Shake the cobwebs" - cliche, confusing. "had placed" and "place[d] it into" - was this present tense on purpose?

Having reviewed Part 2, I have the same comments: the wonderful writing, the easy dialogue, just a few places where one too many descriptions crowds into a single sentence, like the library. But it held my interest, the strange story of how all this stuff ended up in this house...Really a pleasure. _They turned off the walk to the front door and walked under_ - walk/walked _Lemons trees against the wall smothered the arched basement windows with dust and dead leaves._ - the dust and dead leav...

The need in this chapter is consistent and treated very well - the need to heal L's wound. I got a very good sense of the story moving forward here. I missed seeing more of the elf village - the hall is described, but what about the rest? Suffered from too many characters, but saved by good focus on healing L, on M's love, and learning something important about T and his heritage. Mature plot and world building, wanted more sensual detail to buffer scenes and surround characters.