Great title! The poem has a strong and consistent flow. My two critiques for the first stanza are 1). Consider a different word from 'tinkling'-I think there is a stronger word out there that is more suitable for presenting this image. 2). Consider splitting the last line into two i.e. 'So,/I take it down' this could add a slightly longer natural pause. Personally I like this because it shows that you respect and struggle with some of grandmas advice (which may or may not be the case, but cou...

I would use a different tense than present. Also, in the first paragraph 'Gee' may be used a bit much maybe there is a way to get rid of some of the repetition? Love your descriptions... very poetic at times! 4th paragraph: I would use 'him' instead of David in the opening line, as David was used at the end of the previous paragraph. In the second sentence don't throw in the 'she thinks' as she is the main focus (and 'probably' prefaces the clause) the reader naturally assumes this detail. Tr...

Excellent work! A very powerful closing line as well! Your imagery is superb, and you place the reader in this vintage/rustic moment. My one suggestion would be to take both 'the''s out of this line: "And under the tables the hounds are skulking about." I don't know why, I just think that sounds/flows better. Other than that minor thought I would do nothing. The poem is breathtaking, thanks for sharing. Cheers BC

I think you do a great job of throwing the reader right into the action. You do a nice job of balancing description and plot line movement, but this does not read as a "first chapter" this is more along the lines of flash fiction. I think that if you add more it would be easier to critique, though what you have now is a good start. Cheers, BC

Well put! I would like to see some type of conclusion that brings it back to your main focus, but all in all very entertaining.

I like the story, and the concept of the ending, but I didn't like how the last line came out. I think you might be better off ending on that statement preceding the question. I can't put my finger on 'why' but the last line seems a bit forced (not quite contrived), and the other line just felt more appropriate to the flow.

Love the one word opening sentence (don't know why, but I almost always do). With the second sentence I might make it end with '... cooling air.' Then go into a sentence about the morning. 'disgusting' is a very generic word when it comes to carpets maybe replace that one. The story about the parents fighting reads strangely, I think the tense needs to be fixed and some articles added in to clarify. Great lines about the hourglass... often a hackneyed metaphor, I think you use it well! I'd li...

Good opening line, very unique with the use of 'And' at the beginning. I do think that the beginning of your story starts out explaining a bit to much of the background of the situation.... Maybe you could start with the character recalling exactly what was said to him by the clerics (i.e. flash back). You might also benefit from moving the plot along with details like: he's thinking this while driving to so-and-so to get more information, or some kind of action. Just a few thoughts... Cheers...

Opening line: Like the thought, maybe try 'round' instead of 'rounded'. First paragraph: The second line is a bit to wordy, try "... asked Michelle." Then use another couple sentences to go into the fact that Michelle is the best friend, and/or the concern in her voice. "... hand on over..." Typo? cut 'on' or 'over' Second Paragraph: Cut some of the passive voice like "... whose large black eyes would move..." try "... whose large black eyes moved..." or "... which quickly disappeared..." try...

Beautiful sentiment! Love the line: "But in the end, a moment is enough." Is this going to be expanded?