"I got fucked up on rum one night; lost my virginity on the beach… dated the girl for a meaningless three weeks… ...Did the same thing... different girl, on the other side of the island… ...This time I kept the dating to three days, hopping on the first flight home to England after that...” To anyone who cares to contend, let it be known that Henry Michael Emmerson and his 6’1 frame, Aryan features, and pseudo-academic British accent are a detriment to womankind. Equipped with disposable inco...

PREFACE: Relationships. You get into them knowing-it's not going to last. How can it last, when you're 20ish, unemployed and perpetually falling in and out of 'like' with just about every somewhat cute, funny, or smart person you meet? Knowing all this, we make the irrational decision to get into relationships anyways. The person smells good, feels good, and by being your significant other guarantees you a warm body to hook up with at the end of a long week. For the 20 something, being in a r...

". . . How Do You Tell A Man, You Want To Suck His COCK ? I Mean, How Do You Say To A Man: SIR, I Want You To Stand In Front Of Me, Drop Your Knickers, And Allow Me to Suck Your COCK? " Now, dear reader, before I lose you with the blunt vulgarity of the above, picture with me a woman whose fiery words are as anxious as her dress: A short cut yellow, vintage getup with equally loud sequend stiletto shoes. think: Liza Minelli hit by a sunshine disco truck. Her throaty British accent slurred by ...

IT'S Friday night, precisely 10:05 pm and I'm on a $4.00 date with myself. At the Dojo, the $4.00 champagne compliments the $4.00 tiramisu and fills me like a frat boy who quotes Shakespeare while he dry humps you : it's all crassly romantic. THE table to the right of me is also on a date. The girl is heavier by Tribeca standards : she's at least a size 6 and clearly needs to do more cocaine. Her date is also a tad plump, making the two a fitting looking pair. The ugly ducklings are squabblin...

My coworker touches herself. 55 years old & single this pancake bottomed matron represents the detrimental effects of living with your parents for too long. Everyday at 11:46 am, Gertrude stands up, walks past our supervisor’s desk, and smiles coyly as she proceeds to the bathroom. My other co-workers and I shoot each other quizzical looks & snicker quietly at this mild attempt at flirtation. Everything on Gertrude is short: her thin, dyed autumn red hair is cropped; her legs, arms, torso, ne...

After the weird experience with the Hash Vaporizing Vegan, I decided to keep my dating options open and give it a go with another friend-recommended dude. What did I get? A date with a BROADWAY SINGING VAMPIRE WANNABE! This one goes out to my friend John, who introduced me to his roommate Seth, who apparently wants to give up medical school in favor of becomming a professional bloodsucker. (this is what you call: fucked up spoiled white kids). The date happened about 2 Saturdays before last ....

" ... I hate people... ... I hate myself... ... I'm a bad person... ... My left testicle is imploded... " Decoded: I'm a boring unimaginative person with insecurity issues and a proclivity for psychotic episodes, who is divulging my depression to you so that you will think I'm deep, dark and unreachable and in turn will want to DO me. Dear Reader, the above LOSER of the week is PAUL: the Menstruating Complainer With the Imploded Phallus. As with all my dates, I began this one with all the opt...

This is a story about my date with the Vegan named Erik- Spelt with a K. That's right- one of those insecure suburban white kids trying to make himself sound special. He goes to MIT but is taking a semester off to "find himself" -see: smoke hash in his Tribeca apartment through his new "vaporizer" that his friend from the local pot store hooked him up with. "...It's really great; it burns the seeds so that it's cleaner and stronger when you inhale it..." (Erik) LOSER. But before we start draw...

"... Hedonism hit me when I was 14 and got my first blow job. It was amazing. I liked the sensation. I wanted to feel it again and as frequently as possible. After that I found myself pursuing one thing in life: constant blow-job-esque pleasure ..." Say hello to Jordan: The Upper West Side Hedonist and the dude who occupied my Thursday night. Smacked upside the head with an induced Holden Caulfield persona, Jordan illustrates his depth by his frequent expression of: "whatever, I don't really ...

This is my Ode to the Zit You pussy red blotch on my face Damn I say to the Fritos and Lays Which induced me to sit With my one hand on my hip Mouth sailing through the munchies like a ship Until upon my countenance I was hit Feeling a tingling little prick Which moved very quick Into becoming this red pussy little shit