Bababobo's profile
AGE:
61
LOC: SF, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 31
LOC: SF, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 31
I am a published writer of fiction and poetry, and an optioned writer of screenplays,. I love/hate to write. I love the release of soul, hate the agony that it entails. I believe all writers exerience this regardless of their ability level. In this we can come together, without ego, and help smooth the way for better writing at every level.
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
4 Comments
Scent chapter one It seems that for some of us, life is lived between the seconds and truth is caught from the corners of our eyes. Those still moments hold a vibrant reality that permeates my being like an infection. I am cursed, as all the first-born females in my family have been, yet blessed with this ability, given without consent. I drift between worlds, unknown to one, grudgingly accepted by the other. I can see them, the hummingbirds of the human world, fluttering at supersonic speed...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
4 Reviews
3 Comments
Peter Dumfries opened his eye to darkness. Grainy color swirled within the raw black. He tried to blink it away to no avail. His thoughts were a confusion of muted images: drinking in a bar; talking with his secretary, Debra, while his eyes kept wandering to her exposed cleavage; walking home on dark streets whistling happy tunes; something in the bushes, moving- Peter again attempted to blink away the grogginess from his mind. Now, a bitter metallic taste crept up from his throat, bringing h...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
16 Reviews
8 Comments
Morning sunlight warm Secret places dreams retreat Like fish in shadows
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Reviews
I like the idea that the hero is a coward. Very good. That makes for a very strong character to work with. With that in mind, you need to make sure you stick with the concept and not fluctuate back and forth. One minute he's scared, the next he's full of courage, and all that is taking place in his mind. You contradict yourself a lot in this piece, so go over everything and find those passages where you do that. Ex: who went to his best warrior, me. - Well, how'd he get to be the best warrior...
Finally, someone who can write! OK, you've got a good personal story here. Very immediate. I like the way you tell it, mixing up the thoughts, narrative and inner dialogue. The part where the problems lie, for me, is your use of esoteric metaphor, where I have no idea what you're talking about. It sounds good by the ring of it, but just doesn't make sense. 1. She’s the boy that I’ve lost sight of while I’ve been busy wrapping myself in a bubble with duct tape and a vein on my forehead. 2. or ...
You've got a nice scene going here with plenty of action and a great cliff hanger at the end. I love this: “Time to cheat, grab your gun and shoot her in the leg!” Made me laugh out loud. I would change it for impact reasons because we already know it's cheating so you don't need to say it, and we know he has a gun, too: "What the hell, Grady! Shoot her in the fuckin' leg, already!" The biggest problem I see is that you have way too much telling instead of showing. You don't need any telling ...
You've set the stage and I love anything with a katana in it, however, your execution needs some work. Truthfully, you English skills are very poor, so I won't address more of that. Here is just one example of how to fix a sentence: His face was hidden under a black baseball cap. The white t-shirt he wore under an open hooded jumper was badly ripped from climbing over the locked gate of the Chapel graveyard. You talk about not being able to sheath the sword: What if he never saw the victim, w...
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
From reading your story I see that it could be interesting, but the query part is not compelling. It should tell the story in one sentence and have a hook. This is almost a great sentence: There being no trees around for miles, the wind played catch-me-all with them(, painfully slapping their coats about legs, and whipping their hair into knots.) I think the style of your writing is sort of there, but needs some work. You have bouts of improper sentence construction. Ex:'The girl's eyes seeme...
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