BJLankfo's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 29
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 29
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Version 1
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The feeling of your whole body being shattered when you hold something you once loved starts to disappear into the void of death. The gradual deaths of your heart as you see the life of your dearest friend leaving you. The fountains just start and you can not turn them off no matter how hard you close your eyes. His last breathe seems to end your world. At the end it just feels like the world hates you and is doing this just because it can. I will miss you my greatest friend, because you t...
Version 2
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The sand was soft after the spring rain last night. But it was the ferrous beating of the waves on the rocks that called me out that morning. As the sun rose it seemed to dance on top of the jaded green sea. That’s when I spotted her. She was in a torn white dress and hanging on to a piece of wreckage. Without any thought of my own safety I jolted towards her; as I did I took off my shirt and shoes. The waves were trying to hold me back, but I jumped in, as the next wave was about to hi...
Version 1
5 Reviews
2 Comments
I came closer to a dark alley that day; I tried to strain my eyes when I looked at the other end towards the other street. But as soon as my footstep started my journey, a child screams at the top of his lungs, “A mysterious figure resides in that alley and if anybody comes near, he asks them a question and if that person refuses to answer him, he will pursue them until they give him an answer.” I looked at the boy with a puzzled look, but as soon as I could ask him what the ques...
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
The sand was soft after the spring rain, last night. But it was the ferrous beating of the waves on the rocks that called me out that morning. As the sun rose it seemed to dance on top of the jaded green sea. That’s when I spotted her. She was in white and hanging on to a piece of driftwood. With no thought of my own safety I jolted towards her; as I did I took off my shirt and shoes and ran into the sea. The waves were trying to hold me back, but I jumped in, as the next wave was about...
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Reviews
Nicely done some problems with tenses, everything is put in a present tense, the second paragraph sould be put in past tense. Because you state it as a memory.
This poem is like a delicate butterfly wing. with the few words that are said it's has the feeling of being really personal.
It feels like a rewrite of the story of the ant and the cricket. Where the cricket did nothing to prepare himself for the coming winter, and when winter came he wanted the ant to help him and the ant denyed him, conveying a message that you most be prepared. your story feels like it wants to convey a message that if you help others, they in turn will help you. On the second page, in the fifth paragraph i would change the last sentence "She watches in horror as they crept and crept closer to h...
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