In answer to your reviewer note questions, I do find this funny. The narrator is likable, he's got a nice conversational tone and doesn't give too much info too soon. I think the setup here is good; you've got me interested and I would probably read on. Oh, and in case no one's told you yet, to italicize you use the underscores on each side of the whatever you're italicizing, _like this_. There were only a few problem areas that I saw: "It’s a big blow though coming..." - I think 'though' sho...

The line, "My finger wants to touch you." sounds out of place and just a little odd. Perhaps the oddness is in the use of "finger wants" instead of "I want". There's an awkwardness to the poem because the meter isn't consistent. "That means, you'll..." No comma needed here. Is this supposed to be educational or just for fun? Most people think of caterpillars as hairy rather than spiney. I can't imagine moths and caterpillars fighting over food. Sorry, I just wasn't crazy about this one. It fe...

This would be good for readers who are just starting out, or for kids who are still having books read to them. I like the simple, straightforward pattern for that reason. I assume their will be pictures of the heroes (doctor, athlete, etc.,) for each page and a picture of a soldier at the end? A couple of quick notes: Your first page ("My special hero...") is actually two sentences. - ...know. Can... I think you need to break up the sentence on the last page. Short sentences are better. "...I...

There are several grammar and punctuation problems that stick out. You've got problems with verb tenses being used incorrectly, and you switch tenses several times throughout. Also brush up on punctuation rules, especially for comma use and quotations. Watch out for sentence fragments; I noticed several including: Whether it be lyrical, musical or even theatrical. Most of all, after spending a great deal of time with a good friend from the past. That when love is real, all else can fall into ...

Hmmm. You've got some nice descriptions. Using "rooted" to describe Hank was a nice play on the scene involving a tree. I didn't really connect with the characters, perhaps because of the distance between them and the narrator. Have you ever considered writing this from Lena's point of view instead? Your third paragraph especially seems to lend itself to that. We don't really get much of Hank's thoughts here, but we do have some of Lena's. waived - should be waved Hank turned around and looke...

The idea of the poem has promise, but the execution doesn't succeed. There isn't much flow to the rhymes at all; it's very choppy. Plus, you have different speakers but no punctuation to show who's saying what. The other matter is that the characters aren't likable. They are being destructive for destruction's sake. If this is a children's story, do you really want to send them the message that it's okay to do that? I hope not.

It feels like a lot of your rhymes are forced and so the story doesn't make much sense. You talk about how nice he is, then say that he's rotten. This can't be right. My advice is that you tell the story of the cotton candy rescue. You could have a lot of fun with silly imagery if a gazelle had to eat his weight in cotton candy. I would also try to write it in more of a prose style without all of the rhymes. Don't forget to check your spelling (gazelle, grateful, meant) and punctuation. Good ...

a young frog, who heard - no comma needed a kiss from her to turn him into her prince, he made his way - That's a lot of pronouns...a bit more vocab variety would be nice here. heartbroke - heartbroken Thank-you - no hyphen needed The story's pretty lifeless right now, and there's very little meaningful imagery in your words. You can see what you're writing about, but your audience can't. Give us more. I don't really believe that a patch of beaver fur is going to make a frog look charming to ...

up a head - ahead is one word here because of that for now she’d do as he asked- wording is awkward You’re very lucky that I found you before they did and that they were obviously in a hurry and didn’t want to take the time to hunt you down for a snack. - Break this up into shorter sentences. All the little wench has to do was bat her weepy eyes - tense agreement; it either should be 'has to do is' or 'had to do was' You have a very long passages without dialogue followed by ones that're almo...

My first suggestion is that you not start with dialogue because it's confusing. We hear him ask who it is before we know what he's talking about. Try starting with the telephone ringing instead. “Dood I’m so glad I cot U, man!” and subsequent dialogue- Using these abbreviations and misspellings is very off-putting. I don't want to have to translate what's on the page. The only time it would be appropriate to use them is if you were relaying a text message or chat, when those are more acceptab...