AGE:
29
LOC: Edmond, OK
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 07
LOC: Edmond, OK
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 07
Contrary to popular belief, AstridM is not a bear standing on a street in Berlin. But she met one once, and they had a lovely afternoon together.
1/6/09 – Jumping back in after a NaNoWriMo & holiday break from Urbis. More chapters to come soon!
2/12/09 – Gasp! Laptop problems are delaying my return to writing. Hope to get those fixed very soon!
Items
Version 1
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Apparently no one else had seen her. If they had seen it and were secretly hiding it from her, well, that was just mean. But she knew they couldn't orchestrate that kind of cooperation. Pink hearses were the stuff of gossip and they all thrived on gossip as much as the weak coffee and vending machine snacks. Charlotte began to convince herself that the whole experience was just a dream; she couldn’t have seen a pink hearse in the parking lot. No normal person would drive a funeral limo ...
Version 2
8 Reviews
2 Comments
I stood there in my front yard, waiting. My hands were restless, and I jammed them in my pockets. I hated waiting, but I wasn't there alone. The cat waited with me. Not my cat, but one that could be blamed for a lot of my problems. Dumb cat. "Max, when is she coming?" I asked the cat. The early summer air was crisp but still. Soon the grass would shrivel up in the heat. A furry nuzzle against my ankle was his only response. He took a stance next to me, and I felt his fuzzy haunch on...
Version 1
2 Reviews
1 Comment
I stood there in my front yard, waiting. My hands were restless, and I jammed them in my pockets. I hated waiting, but I wasn't there alone. The cat waited with me. Not my cat- just one that had, if I wanted to look at this selfishly, been the root of a lot of my problems. Dumb cat. "Max, when is she coming?" I asked the cat. A furry nuzzle was his only response. Yeah, he could understand me. I suppose she'd sent him as a watchdog, er, cat, when she wasn't around. The details were...
Version 3
9 Reviews
8 Comments
Charlotte stood in the front yard, hands jammed in her pockets, with twilight falling around her. A charcoal cat purred and licked one paw, letting her know he could wait all day. Listening was one of Max’s skills, and that was why Em had sent him. “I’ve decided to accept.” She held her breath, and waited for the sign that she'd been heard. Only a few seconds passed before the gentle explosion of light. Charlotte had grown accustomed to the quick bursts, people appearing suddenly as if from t...
Version 1
10 Reviews
5 Comments
Some days Charlotte wanted to wear her sunglasses while at work. The bright clashing hues made Pet Palace look like the Taj Mahal as decorated by kindergarteners. As Charlotte arrived one such morning, half asleep and clutching a grape Slurpee, she took off her sunglasses and found the store empty. They were supposed to be doing inventory before the store opened. Gibbons would be firing people for sure if they all skipped out. It was not unexpected for one or two of them to be running late, b...
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Reviews
Many of your sentences are quite long. I think you should try breaking them up into more digestable pieces. (Imagine trying to read these outloud.) 'Ocean water' is a bit redundant. 'Web feet' should be webbed, I think. 'Him mentor' should be 'his'. The semicolon after 'age of ten' should be a comma. 'Rich delightful colors' is vague; what may be delightful for one reader could be unpleasant for another. You may want to throw in some more specific language if the reader should go in a specifi...
I'm all for wacky stories, but I think this one is just a little too out there. Perhaps it's the fact that Steve the Waffle's superhero name is Kitten. Or maybe it's because you've created what appears to be a breakfast-themed kingdom and then thrown in a lobster and squash and pudding, none of which seem to be breakfast foods (at least not commonly). Maybe you want to address these issues. Perhaps the lobster is on holiday in Bacon Kingdom. I think this story has a lot of potential. The pace...
My first suggestion is that you not start with dialogue because it's confusing. We hear him ask who it is before we know what he's talking about. Try starting with the telephone ringing instead. “Dood I’m so glad I cot U, man!” and subsequent dialogue- Using these abbreviations and misspellings is very off-putting. I don't want to have to translate what's on the page. The only time it would be appropriate to use them is if you were relaying a text message or chat, when those are more acceptab...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
up a head - ahead is one word here because of that for now she’d do as he asked- wording is awkward You’re very lucky that I found you before they did and that they were obviously in a hurry and didn’t want to take the time to hunt you down for a snack. - Break this up into shorter sentences. All the little wench has to do was bat her weepy eyes - tense agreement; it either should be 'has to do is' or 'had to do was' You have a very long passages without dialogue followed by ones that're almo...
a young frog, who heard - no comma needed a kiss from her to turn him into her prince, he made his way - That's a lot of pronouns...a bit more vocab variety would be nice here. heartbroke - heartbroken Thank-you - no hyphen needed The story's pretty lifeless right now, and there's very little meaningful imagery in your words. You can see what you're writing about, but your audience can't. Give us more. I don't really believe that a patch of beaver fur is going to make a frog look charming to ...
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