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AGE:
32
LOC: Williamsburg, VA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 02
LOC: Williamsburg, VA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 02
It has been said that you write what you know. That has been my experience.
I have tried to write on topics that I have a passing interest in and have been unable to create something worth reading.
Once I began to write what I know the words began to flow off my finger tips.
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God in heaven, God above. You look down upon us with so much love. You push us along with a smile. You push along with a shove. You are so caring. You are so wonderful. You are always their. You always care. Praise you oh God in heaven. You are the one true love.
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The fight must go on, or was that the show? I push past the fear and move toward a better life. The fight must to on, or was that hope? I see the joy that can be had and hope that that can be my life. The fight must go on, or was that my past? Embarrassment engulfs me as I remember how I was, how I still can be. The fight must go on, or was that the hope? I push the embarrassment to a far corner of my mind and hope for hope. The fight must go on, or was that my life? I crumble to the ground a...
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No master but me, I am free. The difficulties I see are many indeed. Death, anxiety and disease to name three. A world full of hatred, a home full of grief. A land in chaos Thank you God I am free. Free to wander the clouds with Thee I am free to see there is another master other than me The plans He has I can't see When the world troubles me I remember there is a Master other than me.
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Version 1
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The fight must go on, or was that the show? I push past the fear and move toward a better life. The fight must to on, or was that hope? I see the joy that can be had and hope that that can be my life. The fight must go on, or was that my past? Embarrassment engulfs me as I remember how I was, how I still can be. The fight must go on, or was that the hope? I push the embarrassment to a far corner of my mind and hope for hope. The fight must go on, or was that my life? I crumbly to the ground a...
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Version 1
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Sitting, agitated at my desk I watch the minutes tick by on my computer screen clock. A thought crosses my mind, “How long will it take for me to get fired?” Sitting, waiting for the assignment that will never come, I begin to surf the net. Cautiously, at first, then without abandon as the hours drag on. Sitting, slumped at my desk I grow weary of chatting with my friends online. Sill no work to be had, I begin to write this verse. My hair has turned gray from the stress brought on by endless...
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Well I couldn't finish the poem because I couldn't follow it. However, I like the fact that you are trying to do something different. If you are going to do a style of poetry, it needs to be consistent. You have some stanza's that make sense, 'Like a your is love a red rose red red red, water of in need and, grossly underfed.' followed by stanza's that don't make sense, 'Is hair your brown golden, sea as the as crisp, fat a pony big like, or o’-the-will-wisp.' you need to be consistent.
First, this is intense. I am going to asume this is about sex, as you mention seem to go down the indivudals body with words like 'orbs' and 'fall breatless into her G'. In the last paragraph it states 'Somewhere sometime, our worlds will greet each other' It seems like you have already met, so maybe add 'again' after each other. This is wonderful and elegant.
Well this is amusing. Twisting the famous individuals names brings a lot of humor. I may be a bit conservitive in regard to porn, but that paragraph distracts from the flow of the poem. Additionally, that paragraph does not seem to have a famous persons name manipulated in it, therefore not following the initial part of the poem.
My first comment is, wow. Very nice piece of work. Secondly, my suggestion is to remove the dash after 'Repent perhaps— '. as it does not follow the same pattern as the rest of the paragraphs. It appears that you were trying to continue the line of thought, however, there isn't a need for that as the work shows that through out. Thirdly, you may have spelled Merkin incorrectly. You have Mercin. I don't know the towns in Italy, so I looked it up but I may be mistaken.
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