Andsheewas's profile
AGE:
28
LOC: Conshohocken, PA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 03
LOC: Conshohocken, PA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: April 03
A self-proclaimed geek and Talking Heads fan, Andsheewas (ASW to friends) is a 24-year-old medical editor who writes on the sly. Having been bitten by the writing bug at the tender age of 6, ASW won her first award at the age of 9, in the second grade, with a short story about Inspector Duck, a character suspiciously similar to Duckman (which was created much after this story, she would like to add). She has not won anything since, but the market for stories about crime-solving water fowl is quite competitive.
Andsheewas writes mainly short fiction on a variety of topics, but mainly on defunct relationships. Help her out. She is overworked, underpaid, and making her way through grad school.
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She was beautiful. Her long, dark hair drifted softly across her soft, rounded shoulders. Her lips were full and a devilish red. Behind them hid a smile that could lure anyone into her trap. Her large, dark eyes pierced the souls of all men who happened to be lost in them. I was one of those men. I called her “Miss America," being that her face captured in it all of the entities of the continents, and she was beautiful. Her skin was the color of light caramel made by South American sugar cane...
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Version 1
3 Reviews
1 Comment
What are we all at heart? A couple of homesick kids? Lovesick teenagers? Young adults with addictions and lack of direction? Are we all dreaming for the same things? Security? In another’s arms? In financial issues? In your eyes? Do you fear the future like I do? Not knowing where I am? Not knowing who I am? Not knowing? Questions that float through my mind Make me pine for (what?) A John Hughes like romance I want the music in the background The stellar, storybook conclusion The bad guys put...
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Version 1
4 Reviews
1 Comment
The overhead light was out again, rendering the hallway of her floor of the apartment building an eerie black. Reaching for the wall, she focused on the end of the corridor and stepped forward, softly letting her hand trail behind her on the wall. She made her way down to her apartment led only by the soft glow seeping under the doors of televisions, abandoned and humming the noises of late night talk shows. Two-thirds of the way down the hall, she stopped at a door. She felt for the raised n...
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Version 1
11 Reviews
2 Comments
The note started it all. I found it tucked neatly underneath the wiper blades of my car. The haze outside prevented me from noticing it at first. It was one of those days in October when the sky is heavy and the air is doused with the pencil lead scent of autumn. I stepped off the train and through the faint drizzle veil to my car, a white Subaru Impreza. Tiny bone-colored rivers formed in the dust on the finish. My eyes had been so tired from staring at copy on a computer screen all day. I a...
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About midway through, you fall victim to what I've heard referred to as the "talking heads syndrome:" basically, we have two people just talking at each other. If the dialogue is strong, than you can usually get away with it. In this case, I felt like I've heard all of this before. It was a bit over-the-top, melodramatic. Can you changes these oft-used lines into something that speaks of you as a writer? Also, have your characters do something while they talk. We can have big blocks of dialog...
Fabulous. It reads very well, propelling the reader through this brief little period of time. I love some of your phrases. The icarus line in particular is quite good. I would love to see more of the piece you are planning to use this in. Right now it is hard to get a good sense of everything, and I have a lot of questions. Many that I feel would be answered by more. My only real criticism is in response to your notes. The "disappear with my mind" line. Yes, it is unique, but I've heard it be...
Doesn't seem to fit what I think of when I consider something as a haiku. However, your word choice is intersting and has me thinking.
Good start. I definitely am curious to see where this is going. I have ideas, but I don't want to jinx anything. I love your use of color, specifically when you use it to describe Hank's moods: "he pulsed gold," "purple with with frustration," I can't find it right now, but he turns a sickly yellow. It was very unique and helped me along. Some points are a little confusing, but you are setting up this new experience for your reader. Hopefully, that will come out better with the later chapters...
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