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AmiableSkeptic's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Reston, VA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 09
LOC: Reston, VA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 09
I like to write when I get a chance (which isn’t all that often). This is one of the reasons I chose 55 word stories. They are short enough that I feel I can give every word the attention it deserves, even with my hectic schedule. Maybe some day I’ll have a chance to work on something bigger.
Items
Version 1
16 Reviews
12 Comments
The sun is down but the screens remain aglow, casting eerie lights upon their faces. Just a day before the conversations and fun had seemed endless. But now, on the haggard ride home, each was buried in his or her own electronic diversion. If reality's so great why is escaping it always so damn fun?
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
15 Reviews
9 Comments
She found him through the ether, electrons charged with exquisite loneliness transmitting their love. Months later, a silk sash tied a note by a charming wooden bridge. Following instructions he stood trembling, till soft hands restored his view. His lips then parted uttering the three words she'd waited so long to hear. "You're too fat."
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There are style problems/mistakes that could be improved. I'm going to be matter of fact with a few things that I've seen, don't take it as harsh criticism, I just feel like how a story reads is just as important as the ideas and plot it presents and so few urbis reviews go over it. Here are a few examples: I don't like how "yearning to welcome the not yet born child" sounds. For "neither feverish mother nor the laboring shaman" you should either put "the" in front of both or neither. I'd jus...
This will be a stream of consciousness review. Just letting you know what I think as I go through your story. I'd change your tense in the end of the first sentence to keep it true "and when I started to work again dark blood beaded out of them like deep water" I really like the whole water/dryness focus of the first paragraph. Now it's changed to stopping and starting. I'm loving the dichotomy and the repetition. The "soon it was me" sentence does not make sense after the -. The paragraph is...
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Nice work. I find the final IV to be very abrupt and dissappointing though. Making this clearer and more meaningful would be my first revision. Why is she naked/alone? The jump from III to IV is just too much to be tolerated without massive confusion for most people.
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