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Althia's profile
AGE:
29
LOC: Las Vegas, NV
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: December 29
LOC: Las Vegas, NV
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: December 29
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Version 2
13 Reviews
0 Comments
Lost in a dream of me and you held tight in the vanishing moment held down as everything slips away I wake, reaching through the weft and weave of space and time, touching emptiness Reality crashes in taking my breath my will you Forlorn, still feeling the weight of you hearing the soft sighs of your breath your scent surrounding me In a moment I am abandoned waking from a dream wanting a forever wishing to follow Can I say the words that will keep you real find the path that takes me back te...
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Version 1
51 Reviews
0 Comments
I woke, reaching through the weft and weave of space and time, touching emptiness For a moment I was abandoned hearing the soft sighs of your breath still feeling the weight of you your scent surrounding me Then memory crashed, and it took my breath and my will and you And I was alone, waking from a dream wanting a forever wishing to follow How it is possible I am still alone when every morning I wake to you when every heartbeat is yours Can I say the words that will keep you real tell me my ...
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Reviews
It's a bit boring. All that happens is a group of men sitting around, talking. Find ways to ratchet up the tension. You mention that Gregory is cruel, but without telling me how. There is no context, no way to tell if he really is cruel or how cruel. Don't open with the meeting, but with the main people. It doesn't have to be the whole council, but two or three, so we can get to know these people, so we can care. Like, give us a scene with John and his family--nice, normal, everyday-- then a ...
Good idea, and can be better. Overall, slow down. it doesn't read like this is going to be a short story, so you have time to tell the story, not rush through it. Open with a scene between Crew and Audrey, give me a reason to care what happens to these people. It doesn't have to be a big scene, just something that shows a connection between them. Give me a sense of who they are, and what kind of world they live in. In particular, unless it directly affects the story, drop Audrey's trip. It ge...
Okay, the opening is sarcastic and patronizing-- no thought, dreary lives, depressing. Yes, the heavens are glorious and the Earth is dark and gloomy. Show, don't tell. Describe the scene, the traffic, the flashes of lightening mirrored in the windows of the high rises, the rain pounding down on the heads of the populace. Then, when you cut to Heaven, contrast the previous scene with the glories of Heaven and the angels. Use the bad weather/ unknowing humans and good weather/ freaking out ang...
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