It had said that three of these walkways, one above and another beneath—where she stood now—were twenty-five feet between each other. Wanted to point this out. This sentence is badly confusing; it almost sounds like you mean to be trying to attempt to say that she is in the middle and there is one below her and one above her. But your actually say he is on the bottom one because you use dashes. Erase the dashing completely and there shouldn't be a problem. Obviously this is too large to criti...

It's good. It's really good. I like it a lot. It's a little long for me to give you a nice long critique. I can say that the writing seems rather professional and I am pleased wiht the overall product. You've done a nice job keeping a good consistent mood throughout the whole piece. The mytholical touch is nice, however I'll be honest that I went "blegh" the moment you used the grim reaper. "Blegh." There, I said it again. "Blegh." Again! I like the present tense--very rarely does that work o...

Alright, alright. I'll be honest. Ready? Really, I'm a nice guy. I'm really a nice fellow. I love writing. But... here was my exact thought. WHAT... THE... CRAP?! First, you made a mention about how un-lady like something or other was. Then you said "Nicholas I was to be crowned." I'm confused... was she going to be crowned king? What? I litterally thought that maybe she was a shapeshifter or something. I understand that there is at least a little historical backround here. Tsar... Nicholas.....

Ok. I'm writing this section after only reading the dialogue at the beginning of Chapter Three. At first I was like... "Oh, gosh, some moron who doesn't even know enough to frieken put action with his dialogue. This is going to suck..." Well, having just read that... one of three things is true. 1.) You are a moron who doesn't even know enough to frieken put action with dialogue, however you got lucky and it did not suck. 2.) You are talented, but that was just a fluke. 3.) You are a master w...

Your dialogue is believable and well-written. You can still work on it somewhat and there is always room to improve however I would commend you on doing an excellent job in your world building. What in the mess is a toady? sorry, I'm 99% ignorant. I don't think your emotions are strong enough in places. Marcus gaped at her. “You’ve ever talked to me this way before.” Did you mean "never"? Additionally, have you posted other peices of this work before? I feel as if I had read some of this stor...

"Years of babies being born with hideous defects or dead, was enough." You don't need that comma. "She employed the most reknowned doctors and scientists and added the best teachers and professors to her ever growing followers." Change followers to following. "In time, she fought to be the new leader that everyone wanted, needed, and things soon changed." I understand and even like what you are trying to do here, but you need to not use a comma between wanted and needed. Perhaps a dash? Just ...

Well well well... First off, I like the name. XD Second, the first sentence was really, really long and stringy. I've seen it work, but if you want to do that you need to make sure it is very polished. Third, you don't say 23. She's twenty-three. If it's a number like 2354355235, you can use numerals. But if you can say it in two words or less (dashed words count as one =P) you need to use words. Fourth, hospital ER room is redundant. Take out hospital and you could even take out room. “Alex,...

The windshield wipers couldn’t move water quickly enough to keep up with the storm, strong winds pushed at my small car, Change that first comma to a semicolon. "storm; strong winds pushed..." and never ending buckets of rain that were now coming down at a harsh angle Here, you need to make "never ending" "never-ending." It's a compound adjective. This one had been left unmarked, with perfect boring white walls. It was just right for me – no disgusting, flowery human decor or personal touches...

Here you go... check this... “I’m all right. I have to be. I’ll rise to the challenge. I’m not sure how, but I’ll do it. I guess I’m too stubborn to fold up and quit.” She shrugged. “Apparently, it takes more than an attempt on my life to make me quit.” You repeat quit twice. I'm just posting here because this got put back on my list of things to critique. I don't know why cause I already did this... but hey whatever. XD Sorry to bother you again but I wanted to get this off my list since I'v...

I don't want to go through and say this sentence had this error and that sentence had this error. Instead I am going to write a long rant. You can look at my profile, think that I am a seventeen year old jerk, and ignore it. Or you can take it to heart and improve ten-fold. 1.) Strong words. You need to look at every single word and make sure that each word is the best it an be. No you cannot always use the strongest word because of repitition but you can make sure each word is good. "Alex lo...