strive for clarity, not "being brilliant", because nobody cares if you're brilliant. your 2nd and 3rd sentences are ridiculous, tone it down some, unless you have actual CHARACTERS AND STORY to hold all this up it's really just you trying to be impressive. like "bemused with superficial things?" how condescending is that? just because you're trying to be a writer doesn't mean that you need to have a rose in your teeth and make fun of the plumber. you dig? i wouldn't even bother except that yo...

there are parts of this that are excellent, "so forgotten" comes to mind, but it's not much as a short story. there's no story. i guess as abstract stuff it's alright, though it needs some work. i just wouldn't post this under short stories if i were you.

you have a good sense of humor, laughed at that first line, and the "totally queer" comment. and it's pretty well written, but this sounds more like a letter than a story, or like a journal entry?

the idea of reading any more vampire fiction stresses me out, so i was ready to tear this apart after i read your synopsis. i mean, who really wants to sift through pages of syrupy gothic prose, practically bursting with melodramatic teenage angst? but you know how to narrate, so i don't have to grind through another lecture, thank god. your dialogue is even pretty good, nice little twists of personality. so i'm pleased, and i liked this. i can tell you one thing you're not going to want to h...

Your narration is okay, not stellar. you do alot of showing and not telling, also adverb reliance, etc. the basics. have you taken creative writing courses or read the books about writing that you ought to? look into it. on writing by stephen king and on becoming a novelist by john gardner are two that helped me a great deal, so i pass them on to you and hope maybe they can help you too. i understand you're building things in this two chapter sequence, but i don't feel a great pull to invest ...

clever, but pointless. alot of pretty words saying exactly zilch. my first bad review for you. and things were going so well... sniff sniff... :)

best one yet. "which escapes me at the present" and "even if he did make me ride the small cow?" are hysterical lines. i totally dig what you're doing with your stories and i love it. right in the middle, leading up to you screaming "mr president!" was a little off, it just sounded amateurish all the sudden. still i'm gonna give you another 9, because at least someone around here is fucking trying.

this is fucking HILARIOUS. I mean, i don't know how good of a STORY it is, as far as beginning middle end, etc. but my god this shit.. i was literally laughing out loud the entire time. you're fucking funny, i';m gonna go check and see if you got any real stories on here. if not-- PUT SOME ON!!

interesting. kind of unsettling, but very cool. i'd strike the beginning though, the story really doesn't begin until the 4th paragraph. and there's no ending... but an entertaining snippet, and a fair promise of things to come, i hope. if you flesh this out you could have something, but i'm sure you're not really interested. after all, it really is just a snippet. can't wait to see some real shit from you, as i've said in every review i've given you. beginning middle end and character and wi...

i'm not sure how i feel about this... your narration is kind of odd. like "critically injured" sounded... clinical? "instantly resembled"? that's such a wishy washy narrative tone. and can you say "user friendly" in the 70's? you narration needs a lot of work, nevermind "user friendly". it sounds really amateurish. i'd advise you to do much more reading in the area you want to write, and of course, more writing.