LOL! Err, well that was an experience alright. I'm left a little reviled and agog but amused non-the-less. There are a few suggestions on little things here: - I think the fist half of your first sentence is a little awkward. It certainly didn't sit right with me and shutters were closing for a while. - "klaxon resounded" - resounded doesn't sound here. I'd pick an alternative. - "battle the conflict" - do you battle a conflict. Just doesn't sound right to me. Battle the inferno, conflagratio...

Small stuff I spot first: - The repeat of the word table in the first two lines jars. Perhaps substitute the "table" in the first for group? - . "Do you have... should be a new line for dialogue. - "John thought to himself" tautology almost. If he thought it, it was to himself. Just drop the to himself. - "in a perfect circular area" perfectly. - "but when it came to the Kaeus they were all novices" - I'd drop "they" and just have it "Kaeus, all were novices", unless there is another with gre...

CORN HUSK DOLLS: Wrapped up I think mate! This is great stuff. Yeh it's a little cliched and I did see the end coming a mile away but it's cool pop-corn horror and would fit brilliantly in a twilight zone style show. Only a couple of little troubles I think. The main one is between the first and second sections of the story. The flick from the bus to the therapy session. I immediately placed Tess in a school counseling session - still quite young. The wrench when Tess drives around to racheal...

OK, first up - I think this might be more a memoir or a fiction (based on a true-story) piece. I think it's probably best not to tie yourself to the non-fiction label as you should never let the truth get in the way of a good story, right?! "take a toll on me" - take its toll? "I instantly opened my eyes and! - root out those redundant words. Instantly has no impact here at all. Cut it. "knew right away that something was awry" - this is a Tell. It's a classic ambiguity within literature whic...

Wow! That's a whopping initial sentence. I'd break it up. Also, why an anti-grav cane... lost on why this would be better than a normal cane. "He looked at the younger man with a distant hope in his eyes." loss of place. I was with the old man is it the young man that has the distant hope in his eyes? "by, thinking:" substitue for he thought at the end of the thought. "older long dead friend" commas either side of long dead. "with same name." the, missing. " He too had been survivor," a, miss...

You're dropping a lot of TELL's here. You need to get into the habit of SHOWing your reader things instead of just TELLing them stuff. For instance: 'Eagle had flowing brown hair' - this is the sort of thing which can be worked into the plot easily. Describe the scene first. "Eagle swaggered toward me, tucking his long brown hair behind his ear and pursing the pouty lips which made him look permanently sad.' I really would cut out the first paragraph. Again, you start you story by dropping in...

Ok, I'm going to hit everything as you asked which means grammar and technique first I'm afraid. Use the active form of the verb - instead of 'had become' just use 'became less visible'. Better still, rearrange that sentence for more punch - 'The footprint in the mud began to vanish beneath the barrage of raindrops." Try not to relate to too much in the past if you can write it as is it is unfolding as you are telling it. This way it feels as if the future is still uncertain and you increase ...

I'd rearrange the start sequence of thoughts and place cold further up as I think that's what you'd get first. just my opinion though. "the woman called down to her daughter." - I don't think you need to specify. It was obvious enough to me. :) " She turned back into " - she need qualifying though. Not sure which she you mean here at first. "laid out the the the pots" - duplicate. "with a steadfast gaze filled with love and understanding" you're almost in her POV so you can't really tell me w...

"of a large man on a dark steed" dark steed sounds contrived. A black horse would do just as well and bear all the kinds of gloom you want. "It takes me a moment to realize she's nothing but a head" don't tell me that you realised. Show me the realisation. This is first person so you can go through the momentary analysis of the face, transition to the hair and stop when you realise she has no shoulders. Just a head. Show don't tell. "fate will too come briefly," a bit odd but I think "my fate...

"The young woman lookeddown" - split up. "He coughed. “You’re really going to Ipswich?”" I think you're trying to point to the fact that he is talking but dialogue starts on a new line unless it's continuing on from another linked section. This error here elutes from the fact that you have no POV yet. Who is your character? "“That’s my alma mater you know?” He coughed again- productively." - alma mater?? huh? That's my is Alma her name? If so she needs capitalising. Coughed productively? As i...