4MinasLaugh's profile
AGE:
30
LOC: Iowa, LA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 04
LOC: Iowa, LA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 04
Hi.
I guess the most important thing for you all to know is that I’m a novice, still struggling to find my writing voice.
I have an unusual autobiography to share with the world. And, I feel that at this point in my life, it’s either write or explode.
Items
Version 1
5 Reviews
0 Comments
My face and shirt collar are wet with my tears and slobber. My daughter’s blanket is damp. I’m not really sure if it’s from the watered-down Coca-Cola I threw in Majid’s face or from when, overwhelmed by the pain he inflicted, I lost control of my bladder. A bead of coke drips from Majid’s disheveled hair, rolling down the right lens of his eye glasses. He continues to stare me down, his eyes blinking continuously. “You can leave. But, you can’t take her.” Majid nods towards the 4 lb. infant ...
Version 2
3 Reviews
1 Comment
January 2004 I knew the news wasn’t good. At the age of 25, I was a veteran at predicting bad news in the doctor’s office. When the doctor and his entourage spent too long in the hallway, discussing my x-rays in hushed tones, it was always a bad sign. Majid and I were waiting in a small examination room at the Orthopedic Clinic of Tulane Hospital, New Orleans. Still newly weds married only 7 weeks ago, we were already expecting our first child. The wedding had been planned and carried out on ...
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
January 2004 I know the news isn’t good. At the age of 25, I’m a veteran at predicting bad news in a doctor’s office. The doctor and his entourage have spent too long standing in the hallway. I hear them discussing my x-rays in hushed tones. Hushed tones combined with abnormally long waits are always a bad sign. Majid and I sit waiting in a small examination room at the Orthopedic Clinic of Tulane Hospital, New Orleans. Still newly weds, we’re already expecting our first child. We were marrie...
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I think that you need to be more clear about what you are discussing in the third stanza. The average reader will not have your notes handy to help them realize that you have begun to discuss the defination of silliness. A comma at the end of the word "scrunched" in stanza 4 would be helpful.
I'm almost positive it should be "result" instead of "results" and "repeat," not "repeats." Also, I would remove the first comma. It's unnecessary. Other than that, I really liked it.
Awesome. You know a piece is powerful when it sucks you in and you leave you previous mood behind before you even realize it- like this did. Mostly, I would just suggest that you post a warning (it's at the bottom of the submission form)to ward off underage readers (not that it really works). Would you consider making this into a novel? If not, can you include where they are? I am especially curious because of the use of the word "monsoon rains."
Excellently written. I would consider changing the word "False" to "Ceramic". "Looking finally through . . ." I think you could do away with "finally" Should be "its", not "its'" I like the lower case "i" at the end . . . I think it illustrates the narrators feelings inadequacy.
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