Interesting, but not quite sure what you're trying to say. First a frustration that leads to undesired feelings capped by even more undesired expressions in profanity. This hightened anxiety is very well described with analogy. As I analyze your writing, I begin to see the meaning more clearly and the correlation between the stanzas. A very deep transition and expression the reader would almost have to relate to for understanding. I can relate. Good job. The worms alone wouldn't do it, but co...

As I began reading this story, I had to remind myself of your age. The words and the tone of them reminded me of a teenage writer. The phrases are discordant and unduly in an effort to dramatize the story. There's a saying in writing that less is more. The swearing didn't fit the character because it was used inappropriately. You spent a lot of time explaining a few events leading up to the character's death, but almost no effort on what he's been doing in the 100 or so years since he was tur...

This story involves a lot of character depth to be captivating for the reader. You're story is too short. More history of the characters and what brought them to this point would be much more interesting. It's also not too believable that the military would not be aware of a high profile guest visiting an area they want to bomb. The beginning of the story leaves the reader guessing, which in this case is frustrating because it's a story lead, not part of the plot. It took me awhile to figure ...

If you can picture this story in your mind, picture what is happening, then picture the setting they are in, and where they might go. Now describe where they are going, what is peculiar, safe or scary about it. Have a dialog between these characters then introduce another situation and another character. Develop you story by bits, imagining what you want it to be then putting it into words.

I can appreciate what you are expressing in this writing, however your ability to make your point struggles somewhat. What I see in your writing is too many thoughts trying to be released instead of being restrained and dispursed in orderly fashion for clarity. Then theres the struggle with grammar and punctuation. I'll use the first paragraph for examples then you can analyze the rest of the writing applying the same pattern. “I think, therefore I am” (del This) has to be one of the most tel...

In some ways your story sounds like a cross between a narrative and a poorly written stage play. Instead of your descriptions enticing the reader to yearn for the next event, they sound like filler for a story that really doesn't have any direction. You need to work on sentence structure, too many fragments and run-on sentences. I pretty much gave up on this story early on, but I wanted to find out if you tied it up at the end, especially with the "such is life" theme you constantly elude to....

Good work. I like the fact it required focus and getting into, that shows you have thought and feeling to your writing. There's a good range of emotion and it all ties together. Well done.

That's sort of a spin off of the pen is mightier than the sword. Try something more original.

Good one. I believe however you should remove the period and use a semi-colon or similar punctuation maintaining one 6 word sentance as opposed to a 4 and a 2 (because of the period).

I hate to say it, but; What? Can't quite wrap around that one being a memoir. Sorry.