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00_Doughboy's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Wichita, KS
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 23
LOC: Wichita, KS
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 23
00-Doughboy (double-oh doah-boi) is currently estranged from his more (in)famous half-cousin, the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man.
Items
Version 1
6 Reviews
0 Comments
Sventon wandered barefoot through the open field of a dream, his feet sliding through the cool summer grass of his childhood home nestled in the plains near Kysmet. He watched as clouds drew wide shadows across the green expanse, their billowy bulkheads promising a much needed seasonal rain. Without warning the clouds thickened, darkened, no longer clouds but plumes of black smoke choking the sky above his father’s farm. The shadows turned the grass black, burning the life right out from unde...
Version 5
8 Reviews
0 Comments
The day had begun with a series of light flurries, coating the rocky skin of the Shouldertop with snow that had already melted into a thin layer of ice. The sun was shining, but the flurries would not abate; like a clear rain in the daylight, the weather seemed unsure of whether it wanted to be spring or winter, caught between seasons like a dog stuck in a doorway. Sventon Horst welcomed the sun as he and Gart plodded along the crest of the Broken Spine, hoping that the chill would lift alon...
Version 1
10 Reviews
2 Comments
Nobody knew where the girl came from or how long she had been among us. Not a single family in Cooper county could remember much of that raven-haired waif from before the flood that took Mrs. Breaux’s baby boy along the banks of Fen River, yet one glance at Miss Sunflower and you could have sworn you had known her since childhood. Her eyes danced an emerald-tinged tango while everyone else fumbled about in an elbow-pumping hee-haw; it wasn’t that her coy smile and lingering look made you feel...
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Reviews
I think this has the potential for a very good children's illustrated book. The character names are cute and the story has an ending that would resonate well with kids, plus it has a flying carpet! Bonus! I might work on the pacing a little bit though. It isn't bad, just jarring in a few lines: Then, the next day, they found out they do. The street vendor cried that his rugs could be bought And they got one without a thought. See what I mean? I know the next few lines are shorter as well but ...
I think this piece is too vague to fit with the title. Sure, I see where you were going with it, but another sentence or two with a few more details might help. Such as, what can't he go back to? His old office? His childhood? A happier time in his life? All of the above?
Oh MAN I saw that coming! I mean that as no disrespect, it's well written, I just kept asking myself, "What kind of person follows a woman home to give her a lost scarf?" Not to mention he learned her address by eavesdropping on her phone call, which should have been a red flag. If I really wanted to let my imagination wander I could even see the man being a vampire, to take his "monster" line litereally. They are charming at first and need to be invited in, after all. Good work.
Absolutely FANTASTIC. The ideas and beliefs you express in this piece are exceptionally explored and related, questioned and answered. You have a knack for speaking very clearly and getting your ideas across with efficiency, such as it is in poetry form. The word rousing comes to mind. The entire third paragraph is what gets me. It makes me imagine a future if Hitler had succeeded with his agenda, creating a utopian Aryan race of identical nobodies. To ignore the individual is to ignore what ...
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